The Gigcast: Cramming a Megacast of Information into a Gigacast

Bill Gates and His Hobo Friend Are Here To Talk To You About Webcomics.

There are a lot of podcasts out there. There are even more podcasts about webcomics. That doesn't make mathematical sense, and yet, it's still true. Everywhere I turn, I trip over another webcomic-related podcast. And they're all terrible. Honestly, I'm not sure there exists an amateur podcast that is done well, and I'm not really willing to review every terrible webcomic podcast, if they're all the same kind of terrible. However, I have tripped over a webcomics podcast that is a NEW kind of terrible, and that is what I'm going to discuss today. After all, if I keep reiterating the same points over and over, no one is going to learn anything new, and the perpetrators are unlikely to pay attention anyways. Hopefully this isn't the case with The Gigcast, because it's terrible enough to rival even Nickelback as the most terrible thing to penetrate my ears.

I first noticed The Gigcast by watching my referral links like a hawk. I generally do this to find humorous search terms that find me, because I do get some weird stuff (the most popular search term is some variation on "betty and veronica porn," and I'm starting to regret reviewing Menage a Three now). The Gigcast had shot me a pair of links comparing me unfavorably to the now-extinct "Your Webcomic is Bad and You Should Feel Bad" blog, which was my first indication that this podcast is the product of two oblivious idiots who couldn't discern an apple from a federal bailout.

The two hosts, JT (A 40 year old man who plays a ukelele and as far as I can tell, does nothing else) and Scott (who does a vapid webcomic with dull art and poor writing) run the show as though it were a weekly lecture on the importance of bread in a post-modern society, which results in a podcast that is unnaturally extended to fill a whole hour. Both hosts give the impression that they are just watching the clock until the show is complete, filling the space with awkward conversations and off-topic murmurings. Unlike other podcasts I've punished myself by listening to, the guys on The Gigcast actually go in with a bulleted list of topics to bring up, which puts them a leg up on the rest of the competition. Unfortunately, this is still inadequate since after the first few sentences, the discussion meanders away into something unrelated to the initial topic, and more than likely, regards some self-centered bit of information, such as what the hosts are doing at some upcoming convention.

The first ten minutes are generally occupied by a segment known as "Shallow Thoughts" which is basically just co-opted from another podcast to fill time. It has little to no relevance to "the industry" and therefore has no purpose in this podcast. In addition, it's just a cheap knockoff of the old "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" segments from Saturday Night Live, but with less humor. Next is generally a segment where the hosts spotlight comics submitted by someone named Brian Anderson. These spotlights are generally just brief descriptions of a comic's about page, which really isn't much to go on. If the same amount of time was devoted to a single comic, the results would be a bit more detailed giving the listener a greater impression about what is being shilled. That is, assuming The Gigcast's writers could craft a decent evaluation.

By now we've been able to eat up a good ten minutes. Solid! But now we've got another 50 to kill. The next step is to start talking about the parent company Nightgig Studios and shilling its other products. This is actually expected, since this is the whole purpose of a "collective" but it could be done so much less blatantly. Unfortunately, I think this would require that JT and Scott knew what the definition of 'subtle' was. I don't think they do, which is why they cover all their bases quickly and fully, instead of working them into other topics that they bring up later (which they also do, just to be sure).

As JT runs down his bullet-list of news items, Scott will often chime in with some irrelevant comment that steers the conversation onto a meaningless track until they run out of gas. Then with the next list item, the cycle repeats itself. The overall effect is like listening to two cut-ups in the back of a classroom, taking cues from the instructor, then moving their own discussion onto a tangent of a tangent of a tangent, until the instructor raises his voice to speak over them, resetting their attention to the topic at hand.

The Gigcast will also feature a guest sometimes, which, if I understand the formula correctly, is whoever is buying the most ad time via Project Wonderful. The guest does very little for the show, since he's neither the centerpiece of discussion, nor a fresh voice for the show. Instead, they generally tend to be in the same vein as Scott and JT, i.e. meandering and self-serving. Either give them more weight to the course of the show, or shorten their appearance time, don't drag them through the entire hour if they're not going to affect the outcome.

As the show draws to a close, our intrepid hosts have a tendency to note how close to the end of the show we are, and how many more minutes we have to fill. Here's a tip, don't draw the audience's attention to how much or little time they have actually spent because it detracts from the enjoyment experienced. Not that there's much of that involved in The Gigcast. Try to fit as much significant content into the hour, instead of dragging things out to fill the whole thing. If you can't fill an hour with substantive content, then you shouldn't try to go for a whole hour.

The strange thing is that there is often a blog post that coincides with each podcast, full of bullet items which could easily be used to fill the space on air. It's already in the same format as the bulleted list used for the items they talk about already. Of course, without more structure for the ones they DO use, this would just extend the show by hours into conversations about how JT and Scott each spent Christmas in 1995.

Ultimately, my biggest problem with The Gigcast is the inability to focus on the topic for the entire duration. A lot of chaff in a podcast is a recipe for disinteresting the listeners. If you find yourself looking at the clock to find out if your job is done, then you might want to rethink your format. Putting more preparation into the news items being covered will result in more structure and a greater adherence to the topics being discussed. The hour will be filled more substantively and the result is appropriately sized content for an appropriately sized show. As it stands now, though, The Gigcast is just too small for its britches. Read more→

Tally Road: An Infinite Number of Potholes

The Donuts Are a Metaphor for a Terrible Webcomic

Shortly after the popularization of webcomics, some moron decided that it would be a good idea to institute a purely voluntary rating system, much like the one used for television. Ratings for webcomics are incredibly useless since the only things anyone cares about is whether or not there are exposed genitalia. Additionally, the host of the content is required to evaluate it himself, and assign the rating he thinks is most appropriate. With no universal standard being applied, a rating is worth about as much as a fettuccine noodle without any Alfredo sauce. And then there is an even greater travesty. Some cartoonists actually create content and try to shoehorn it to a rating, which is entirely and utterly backwards from the original premise. Tally Road (by a man known only as Jinxtigr) is one of these comics.

The first thing you'll notice about Tally Road is that it is another furry comic. The second thing you'll notice, is that it is uglier than sin itself. These two details, combined with the very small "Web-MA for Adult Content," should give you pause. And I'm the one who has to review this for you. The main page is utterly devoid of details and features, which is great for keeping clutter down, but is terrible for actually navigating the site. There is no concentrated archive page, or even a summary of the plot, characters or setting, so readers are required to read through as far as they can stand to figure out what the stupid thing is about. The only things you will find on the front page is a comic, basic navigation links (first, previous, etc.), a link to something called "Library" (more on this later), a blog post and one of those annoying chatterbox things. It's all black on white, which is about as bland as a Nilla Wafer, but without actually being useful in any recipes.

Going into greater depth on the art, it's a wonder Jinxtigr thinks he could ever make anything worthy of a "Web-MA" rating.

Eww Gross What is Going On Here?

Anatomically, the characters are so over-simplified, so basic, that it becomes impossible to discern an arm from a foot, much less tell which way they're pointed. There are only two characters, really, a dog and a cat. All characters have only minor variations on these two shapes, and it becomes very difficult to differentiate two of the same species. Male and female characters are (sometimes) differentiated by an extra line across the chest to indicate a breast, I guess, but that is rarely sufficient to identify that they are actually different people. During the comic's only known sex scene (don't click on this at work, moron), I can honestly say that I didn't realize the characters were both male until I was on my fourth pass through the archives.

The plot is incredibly jerky and disjointed, with consecutive pages often not showing any kind of coherent relation to each other. Characters just pop in or disappear with no explanation or even any acknowledgement. The protagonists (?) were very quick to abandon their own objectives for those of another, and failed to even go through any kind of argument or bargaining. Such weak motivation leads to apathy from the readers. No one will ever want to care about a character who is so weak-willed that he can't even follow through with any single conviction. Any attempt to inject humor into the comic falls flat, usually because of poor timing, but sometimes it's just an irrelevant joke that isn't consistent with the form of the comic. We can assert that Jinxtigr is worse at telling jokes than he is at telling a coherent story, which is quite an accomplishment, considering how terrible the entirety of Tally Road is.

Under the aforementioned 'Library' link, you can find various scrawlings that Jinxtigr has attempted to pass off as short stories and webcomic reviews. I'm not a literary critic, but I think it will suffice to say that the short stories are terrible. As for the webcomic reviews, we must ask whether Jinxtigr has any moral authority to provide an opinion regarding other webcomics. Sometimes offering no substantial opinion on a comic, he feels the need to simply talk about it, and compliment it even though he has no understanding of it. Not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings, he offers only kind words to the comics he reviews, feeling some kind of obligation to promote it. Listen, reviewers, if you are always patting everyone on the back, you've already lost as a reviewer. Not everything is good, and if you claim that your subject is good when it isn't, no one will take your opinion seriously. If you like everything, no one will want to use your opinion as a gauge for the quality of comics. You don't have to be excessively negative, but fellating everyone who asks for a review is not going to earn you any respect.

So what is Tally Road good for? Other than poorly drawn guns, awful sexual puns, and anarchist furry sons, not much at all. It gives us an excellent argument against the act of creating content to fit a certain content rating group, and probably even voluntary rating systems in general. The correct way to approach a project such as a webcomic is to create the product you want, and if anyone actually cares then you can assign a content rating to it, or better yet, let someone else do it. As far as Tally Road is concerned, my only advice is to take a detour because this road is just one massive pothole. Read more→

Webcomics Beacon: Dogs Don't Know It's Not Beacon (4 of 4)

As I stated yesterday, Circle Jerks in webcomics lead to artistic stagnation and undue popularity. It doesn't take a lot of talent to provide meaningful criticism, but webtoonists are often blind to their own faults. This excuse does not work when the creators regularly work with other terrible webtoonists to provide criticism to OTHER terrible webtoonists. Like the crossover I discussed yesterday, running a podcast is another great way for atrocious webcomics to Circle Jerk. The Webcomics Beacon is run by some of the most terrible webcartoonists I've covered with this blog. In fact, I told you those stories so I could tell you this one.

First and foremost, this podcast is way too long. Each episode is over an hour long, and if you're talking about webcomics for more than an hour, the evidence indicates that you just like hearing your own voice. I do like that these amateurs don't talk about one webcomic for the whole hour, but rather a certain trend or meme among comics, but the topics are still too broad and general. The hosts also have a tendency to go off-topic often, which contributes to the excessive dragging-onnery of this podcast. Additionally there is a lot of dead air and simultaneous talking, all of which could be remedied with a structured program and pre-planning. Having a set rotation for asking and answering questions would definitely cut down on the confusion, and figuring out what the best questions are and focusing on those would probably cut the runtime down to a reasonable half-hour.

The bigger problem is that the hosts may or may not be giving good criticism, but the comics made by the hosts undercut that criticism by being so terrible. The idea is, "If they can't use their advice to improve themselves, why should anyone else do so?" Of course, I completely agree with this argument. A better use for a group such as this would be to turn their critical eyes inwards, and utilize each other to improve themselves. Of course, since the entire point is to increase readership for everyone involved, the hosts are not going to turn too critical an eye (least of all towards their guests) resulting in a shallow and unchallenging show. The only criticism being offered is towards those who aren't on the show, giving off the impression that the Webcomics Beacon is used to signify an impending circle jerk.

The actual website is also a mess, and has so many circle jerking links that it overloads the reader with too much irrelevant information. There's an entire section devoted to Webcomic Milestones which just tells the reader which webcomics have completed an arbitrary number of pages or existed for an arbitrary number of years, with no discretion based on quality, consistency or continuity. Another section lists every single site mentioned in the week's show, no matter how passing the reference. While nice for those who find themselves asking "what are they talking about?", reducing the size of the section to only those sites talked about in depth would keep it from being overwhelming.

It is human nature to want to promote your creations, and the Internet is an easy way to do so. However the act of self-promotion often leads to introspection and growth after being rejected. When artists take the easy way out by promoting themselves through others and cutting quick deals often end up being screwed over by a bad deal. Some might get lucky, sure, but the best works are going to come from those who aren't relying on finding a great bargain, but instead put the effort into themselves and their own works. Creating new assets to bargain with, such as a podcast, are only indicative of desperation, and it almost becomes a spectacle to watch and see just when someone gets burned. While those who wish to build themselves up through their own merits should stay away, the Webcomics Beacon signals to all those who wish to dash themselves upon the jagged rocks. Read more→

The Best Of What's Left: An Astonishingly Accurate Acronym (1 of 4)

When creating a webcomic, there are a few things that the creator should flesh out before jumping in. First is the story. A well-reasoned plot can be the difference between an enjoyable read, and a clusterfuck of convolution and obfuscation. Second, is the characters. Not just who they are, though a properly fleshed out character is important, but also what they look like. Character designs need to be consistent and distinct, so the reader can tell who is doing what and possibly even figure out why. Otherwise you end up with Dominic Deegan. Securing these aspects before getting started is the first critical step of webcomickry. Most, however, jump the gun, and put up their work before it's sufficiently planned out. The Best of What's Left (or T-BOWL, as it calls itself) fails on both accounts.

The characters in the T-BOWL are some of the ugliest mutations I've ever been witness to. The protagonist, a man known only as "Future Paladin" (is he a paladin from the future? not yet, but assured to be, a paladin? a paladin made OF future?) resembles a chunk of uncooked dough molded roughly into the form of man. Above his head are some undiscernable blue half circles, indicating something only God Himself would know. Equipped with only his hammer, which also emanates blue half-circles (which can only be some sort of gas leak). Other characters are generally simple inanimate objects with giant teardrop-shaped blobs, which I presume to be eyes, that extend beyond the head. The creator, Aaron Lewis, often tries to convey motion with these crude characters, but often only manages to create further confusion and aggravation.

The story is somehow an even greater abomination than the art. Tenuous and unstructured, the most I can gather from the story is that there is some kind of paladin with water powers (I wasn't aware that paladins had elemental affinities) who hangs out with trees for some reason, which is strange since I would expect a water guy to hang out with rivers, lakes, and babbling brooks instead of trees. This is even more confusing since there is a tree paladin introduced later in the story. Lewis often tries to cram too much story into too little comic, then will turn around and use too much comic to tell too little story. The vast majority of pages are written to fill the page, and end as soon as the page is filled, resulting in a page that has no sense of completion, no concept of progress, but rather a feeling of emptiness. Any longform comic should be able to convey at least simple plot progression within individual pages. T-BOWL often ends up having serious pacing issues which could easily be remedied with a little premeditation, and forethought to where the story has been and where it is going.

Success in webcomics requires at least a familiar understanding of the fundamentals. Without this, no one can hope to make something enjoyable to others or even themselves, much less help others to correct their problems or provide suitable analysis of other comics. Aaron Lewis has managed to produce a webcomic with terrible art, plot, characters and pacing, inspired by every game Blizzard has made. Unless he's willing to go back and replan the entire comic, then restart from scratch, I'm going to have to say that The Best of What's Left should have remained in the toilet bowl. Read more→

Sarah Zero: Look for Our Ad in Cosmo Girl!

Welcome to the Contranet. Sarah Zero is an alleged webcomic that attempts to tell the story of a hideous sea mutant that has taken on human form and has assimilated itself into the human culture of piracy, white slavery and child pornography.

Sarah Zero is your basic terrible webcomic, at least on the surface. Most noticable is how every 'page' looks like a magazine ad for vodka. Word Art that doesn't say anything prevails, and by the liberal use of meaningless text, many readers may get the idea that in the world of Sarah Zero, words don't mean much at all. Dialog between characters is empty and riddled with buzzwords. These people do not talk like real people

A bigger problem is the artist's desperate unfamiliarity with human anatomy, as evidenced by these two fish-men. Any artist will tell you that before using stylized characters, as SZ is attempting to do, one must first have a firm basis in how actual people look. Without this established foundation, one will often end up with a human-gazelle hybrid. Even worse is that the title character generally does not maintain the same proportions from ad to ad, creating the sense that her bone structure is, in fact, gelatinous.

On the outside, Sarah Zero might seem like a harmless terrible webcomic. But a closer inspection reveals that it is a cry for help from a distressed individual. First we should examine Ace Plughead's irrational hatred for creators of webcomics that are much, much more popular than his (and deservedly so). Through the thinly-veiled persona of "bRYAN NORSOOMAIKXCD," Plughead attempts to drive home the point that these comics are nothing more than corporate gutter trash, and that more independent comics such as Sarah Zero should be Contranet Superstars. Also I find it funny that he doesn't know the name of the guy who does XKCD.

Plughead has also exhibited some strange attention-seeking behaviors: requesting criticism and then rejecting it, strange baby-talk, and enabling his detractors by constantly acknowledging them. He clearly would prefer to be hated than forgotten, and simply convinces himself that such hate is simply inspired by jealousy of his greatness, indicating a grandiose delusion. Arguments could be made that the artistic talent shown is indicative of hallucination or other negative symptoms, but seeing as I'm no psychologist I'm just going to leave it alone. Besides, if he truly were schizophrenic, Sarah Zero would be a lot more fun to read.

Ultimately Sarah Zero is an example of what happens when an advertising agency takes the brown acid and puts the rejected submissions on the Contranet. Unfortunately, the Plughead Ad Agency has so much emotional investment in this campaign that any dissatisfaction is just the uncultured opinions of philistines and plebians. But the truth is, Sarah Zero is simply ugly, slow, and bordering on psychotic. Whatever they're selling, I'm not buying. Read more→