The Year In Review: Best... Worsts of 2008

It's hard to believe I'm still posting on this stupid blog about terrible webcomics. I had originally planned on losing interest sometime around October, but unfortunately I had by then accrued a list of comics to review that was longer than my list of known aliases. So I kept reading awful webcomics and writing down my less-than-professional opinions, and before I knew it, it was the end of the year. I decided that I should make a top 10 list of the worst comics reviewed on anti-snark this year, but after I realized I had only been reviewing for half a year, I shortened it to the top 5. What follows are not just the worst comics, but also the worst responses to my reviews, as well as the worst interview subjects of the multitudes I had interviewed. So without further ado, here are the 5 Best Worsts of 2008.

5. Hijinks Ensue
I don't recall when I first found Hijinks Ensue, but I do remember that my inital reaction was basically "Oh look a ripoff of Movie Comics." After reading more, though, I realized that I had been far too generous. The jokes revolved around moronic television shows and idiotic films, and consisted entirely of nerdwankery.

Visually, it reeks of unoriginality and shameless copying of character designs from more popular webcomics. While this is a common occurrence among terrible artists, usually it isn't so poorly done that you start feeling bad for the ripped off. Whoever said "Imitation is the greatest form of flattery" never experienced the insult that is being imitated by Joel Watson and his rusty, mechanical drawing hand. Perhaps if Watson had a life that didn't consist of sitting on his butt watching television and movies, he'd learn how to give more life and originality to his drawings, but the chances of that (like the chances of Steve Jobs creating something that nerds won't blindly purchase) is slim to none.

The art managed to be utterly reprehensible, despite the fact that the cartoonist uses a Cintiq tablet. There's a reason for this, of course. A great tablet will not make anyone a better artist, no matter how expensive/Mac-friendly it is. Joel Watson is one of the greatest offenders of the "Tools Make the Artist" crowd, which is why Hijinks Ensue receives the award of "Worst Application of a Cintiq Tablet" and is #5 of our list of 2008's Best Worsts.

4. Dead Winter
After four weeks of reviews, I wanted to try something new, so I asked Dave Shabet of Dead Winter if he would bless me with an interview about his terrible zombie webcomic. As I recall, his exact words were "get away from me you skeevy pervert." I tried for over an hour to change his mind but in the end, he wasn't going to budge. I had sunk so many resources into the interview questions, that cancelling it would have meant the end of Anti-Snark, so I came up with a bold solution.

Since Dave Shabet was too good to answer a few questions, I decided that I would answer them as though I were him. I tried to give readers what I felt was an accurate representation of Shabet and his work, but about halfway through answering my own questions I remembered that I had no readers so I felt pressured to jazz the interview up a little bit. The result was an inconsistent personality that I had created for him, and the whole thing was really unbelievable. This is why I have decided to present Dead Winter with the award for "Worst Interview" and placed it fourth in 2008's Best Worsts.

3. Bizarre Uprising
I had added this amalgam of retarded anime tropes and terrible plots to my expanding queue of cannon fodder sometime in September, but every time I looked at it, I decided it wasn't atrocious enough for me to review at that time. When I finally forced myself to take a shot at it, I hoped merely for an underwhelming article as a result. After prodding through the archives, however, I was amazed at how astonishing, how truly horrendous, how utterly ridiculous the plot truly was.

Here's a synopsis: A teenage boy finds out he has magic vampire powers, and begins training with some off-the-wall school mascot that is a pig or something. He gets into fights with people far more experienced than he, only to defeat them because he believes in the heart of the cards or some equally tropish anime facet of his personality. Girls begin to swoon over him for no reason other than he's the artist's fantasy-insert, and even goes so far as to turn a lesbian straight. After one of his ex-girlfriends is shot from 100 yards with a pistol and killed, we find out that the mascot vampire trainer is actually the main character's dad and also that he is the king of vampires. We also learn that Jesus Christ (our one Lord and Savior) is a vampire, and he begat all the other vampires. Meanwhile, the protagonist's best friend seduces the hero's unusually hot and not-at-all parental mother (I'm sensing some disgusting incest fantasy by the artist) AND his girlfriend, then cries foul as he is unconvincingly male-raped. This male-rape subplot extends for nigh on 5 years before it finally concludes unsatisfactorily. The hero does some boring crap that is not even interesting in the slightest, and the reader is left wondering if he missed something in the middle or if the writer simply failed to include some quantity of important details (hint: it's the latter, and that quantity is in the triple-digits).

Needless to say, if you love reading terrible webcomics just to gaze at the ensuing train wreck, none other will satisfy you better than Bizarre Uprising. I only wish I had reviewed it earlier in the year, so I could hope to see some troubled reaction by the creators, who feel it acceptable to only produce one page per week, despite the troubled writing and the sloppy, amateurish artwork. Bizarre Uprising recieves the title of "Worst Webcomic of 2008" and ranks third among our list of the 5 Best Worsts of 2008.

2. Webcomics Beacon
During the month of September, I reviewed the Webcomics Beacon, a terrible podcast about webcomics, as well as the webcomics done by the hosts of the podcast, in order to illustrate that these people should not be doling out advice about webcomics. Shortly after, one of the hosts noticed the review of his comic and decided to take offense, posting predictable rants about how he couldn't believe anyone would spend their time being negative towards webcomics. It's just inconceivable that anyone who enjoys reading these pieces of trash would rather point out the negatives rather than the positives!

I figured he'd quit there, but to my surprise he continued his tirade on the actual podcast itself. He refused to link the big bad review and didn't even give the name of the website, because he didn't want any of his five listeners to give any pageviews to me, since I make so much money off a single page view. I never figured anyone would take my amateurish scrawlings so seriously, so I was quite surprised when I heard what ol' Fesworks had to say. Essentially, he is upset that anyone would bother giving a negative opinion of his work, since he's clearly just a hobbyist and not a professional, and how he gets upset when people are giving professional comic advice, which is not so useful to those who comic for the hobby of it. Of course, this is just code speak for "I want to draw comics but I don't want to put any effort into getting better at it!" Any real hobbyist would still want to put effort into improving his skills so that he could get better.

By devoting so much attention to what was really just a half-hearted negative review of his webcomic and podcast, Fesworks and the Webcomics Beacon crew have earned the title of "Worst Tantrum of 2008" and secured second place in our list of 2008's Best Worsts.

1. The Floating Lightbulb
Our number one spot on the list of worsts goes to the blog that inspired me to return to Anti-snark in the first place. The Floating Lightbulb is a webcomic blog that updates nearly daily, where cartoonist Ben Gordon attempts to give advice to budding cartoonists, thereby elevating himself in the arena of webcomics. Unfortunately, his advice is generally not backed by anyone's experience, and is inspired solely by Gordon's perception of what cartoonists should be doing, rather than anything that might actually work. Gordon is fuelled by his massive ego, tenuous grasp on reality, and fragile self-image.

Often posting lengthy diatribes about websites that do the same thing as one of his many other websites, claiming redundancy and inefficiency, Ben Gordon is quick to write off the webcomics.com guys as some sort of evil corporate empire. Unfortunately what Gordon fails to realize is that his own attempts are shoddy, amateurish and unusable, and ANY attempt to do what he's done is automatically going to be better. Gordon clearly wants to be a webcomic bigwig, but until he can improve the quality of his writing, website organization and comic skills, the best he can do is inflate his standing by acting bigger than he really is. This is why Gordon has been awarded the "Worst Attempt at Being Relevant" and is our Best Worst of 2008.

I hope that reading this has been an adequate time-waster and helped you kill a few minutes. Let the staff of Anti-snark know of any terrible webcomics or webcomic-related sites that you know of, so we can continue to bring you the same hard-hitting journalism next year.

Read more→

CAR: Ignoring the 'Check Engine' Light for 30,000 Miles (and Counting!)

There are millions of webcomics out there on the internet designed to appeal to niche markets and strange hobbies. No matter your interests, there is probably a webcomic that caters to them. Even if those interests are really dumb. But no matter how dumb the hobby, there are people who are really into these things. I guess maybe they seem dumb to me but these people really enjoy them so who am I to knock it? Or so I thought, until I met possibly the dumbest hobby-comic ever.

CAR (the author insists on the all-caps title of this abomination) is about driving around in a car. That is pretty much the premise of the entire comic. You can probably imagine the kinds of jokes that arise from car driving, and how Jeffrey Faden has managed to stretch this into 250 strips is mind-boggling. Granted, about half of them are about CAR ending or restarting; the joke has been used so much, it's collecting Social Security checks. As for other jokes, "WOAH MY CAR HAS A LOT OF BUTTONS AND SWITCHES!" gets dull fast. Driving like an old man isn't funny either. Basically there are two jokes about cars and they're both pretty bad already.

CAR reeks of the same technophilic MacFaggotry that rubs most people the wrong way. I know you think you're cool, Jeff, but no one cares about whatever gadget you got that provides marginal utility. An obsession with techno music is just an extension of technophilia, because people can act snooty and pretentious about obscure DJs that no one will ever hear, and they sound terrible anyways. If someone you know won't shut up about techno music, then they have also drunk the Apple Kool-Aid (that actually sounds pretty rad, apple flavored Kool-Aid) and you should probably cut all ties with them.

There is very little artistic difference between the earliest comic and the latest comic. Apart from the addition to gradient coloring, the characters look like strange amalgamations of old, cheap anime, and crude doodles done in the back of Freshman Lit. There is no need for more than one pose, since all characters are just talking heads used to further a dialog. And the characters have no consistent characterization, they are simply used arbitrarily to provide a foil to (or give aid to) the author-insert's wacky shenanigans. They are not people, but voices heard by the author that he responds to and interacts with. Essentially, there is only one character, and that is Jeffrey.

Despite grave reservations, I decided to track down Jeff Faden and ask him what, if anything, inspired him to keep coming back to this awful webcomic. Surprisingly, he consented to an interview. My most ardent readers will remember once before when I did an interview, the difference this time is that I'm actually interviewing someone else. So without further ado, I present a depressing interview with an unhinged individual: Jeffrey Faden, author of CAR.

Anti-Snark: CAR has been around for about 6 years; have you learned anything about comic making in that time, and if so, why haven't you applied it to CAR?

Jeffrey Faden: My greatest comicking education comes from Scott McCloud's timeless book, Reinventing Comics, where he leverages the power of the Internet as a content delivery medium that reaches consumers across the world and touches them with the magic of juxtaposed pictoral (or other) images in a deliberate sequence. I've learned, by studying that book, that you don't need to put forth anything with acceptable art, writing, layout, or sense of humor - what is more important is whether your webcomic is accessible to people in wheelchairs and fires off all of its JavaScript successfully. This is why CAR is valid XHTML and looks pretty much worse, and has less readers, than it did in 2002.

AS: God, that's pretentious as fuck. Now, CAR has been stopped and restarted 5 or 6 times. Why do you keep going back to the same failed comic instead of trying something fresh and new? Are you afraid of success, or just change?

JF: It's kind of you to suggest that success would be the result of future endeavours in comickery! Rather, I would see success as the total halting of CAR altogether, along with a pledge to never create another comic again. But just between you and me, I've got a secret - the reason CAR has no ads and does not advertise is because its revenue is more than taken care of by formerly Honda Motor Company, and now Toyota Motor Corporation executives who pay me large sums of cash for every frame in which one of their cars appears. (This is why I have made so many comics that repeat the same frame over and over.) Unfortunately, one reason for a 3-year hiatus is due to a giant legal battle with Honda in which I plead to stop making CARs, resulting in the reclamation of my actual car. Fortunately, this also resulted in the end of CAR, until I foolishly forged the same agreement with Toyota three years later. It seems as if I will be forever doomed to make mundane traces of the interiors of a Prius, passing a tedious process off as actual talent.

In summary, it's because I am very rich.

AS: Too bad you still can't afford any talent. Your art is sloppy and your writing is miserable. Which reminds me, why is it that there really aren't any consistent characters in CAR? You just seem to pick from a character design based on someone you know, and then write them in a way that you feel fits the comic. Are you just incompetent, or are the people you know really this inconsistent?

JF: Here's the process:
1. Person I marginally know wants to be put in CAR.
2. I decide I might as well, because I have nothing else to write about.
3. Person doesn't realize they've been put in CAR because I don't tend to keep up with people I've met in real life.
4. I use the character for a considerable amount of time and eventually twist their personality into an unlikeable, completely uncharacteristic mess.
5. Eventually the person notices they're still being used, and removes me from their Facebook friends list.
6. I pretend the character never existed; process repeats.

AS: That sounds like a load of BS. Have you ever considered attending a workshop on writing jokes or drawing people so they don't look like they have a genetic defect where they appear half anime?

JF: When it comes to improving my craft, I like to heed the words of my favorite contemporaries, Mookie and Absath - "if they're buyin', no use in tryin'." Of course, in my case, people aren't buyin', but I like to humor myself into thinking that they would if I cared enough to sell something.

Also, "Half anime" is probably the best compliment I have ever gotten.

AS: Who is your mechanic?

JF: Jesus. The Jesus that atheists worship.

AS: I don't think he's a licensed mechanic.

JF: That would explain the chorus of angels every time I turn on the air conditioner.

AS: Don't you know A/C ruins your gas mileage? If you really loved the planet you wouldn't use it. You don't hate the planet, do you?

JF: CAR still exists. Isn't that your answer?

AS: I'm afraid so.

As you can see, Jeffrey is clearly an imbalanced individual, who values his iPod more than his suspension. Making a comic about cars might not be a bad idea if you are focusing on maintenance or whatever (and actually know anything about cars), but if you're making a comic about just driving cars, you might want to rethink whether people consider you an interesting person or not. If your comic isn't interesting, then no one is going to read it, because it's just that dull. Read more→

Dead Winter: Another Damn Zombie Story

Zombies are an incessant cliche. There's not much left to be said about them that hasn't been said already. Their use as a metaphor for human nature is good, but tired, and their origins from unchecked and unprepared biological research are familiar and repetitive. Effectively, there is not much left to be said regarding zombies that hasn't been said already. However, my good friend 'S. Dave Shabat' believes differently.

Forming the same rag-tag group of urban citizens who happen to be well equipped with the knowledge and technical skills to survive a zombie infestation, just like almost every zombie movie, book, comic and game to date, Shabat seems to be drawing parallels between life before and after the zombie outbreak, and how both are so boring that the only color worth coloring is on the two main characters, the badass hitman and a british poet-slash-waitress. Exception occurs when the waitress is struck with mild delerium and her subconscious takes over forcing her to address issues her conscious mind is oblivious to. Unfortunately this issue is generally "What should I wear today?" rather than anything which would lead to personal growth and development.

The other main character, a professional hit man, fulfills the role of "kicking ass and smoking cigarettes while wearing custom-made sunglasses to look like a total badass heck yeah!" In actuality, his badasseries create little more than a flat character who is good for nothing more than getting the group out of a tight spot where kind words and esoteric facts won't suffice. While handy when surrounded by mindless killing contraptions, it doesn't provide much for the sake of narrative.

I offered Mr. Shabat a chance to interview, in an effort to defend his work, but realizing how hard-hitting my journalism was, he smartly refused to answer my pointed questions. Unfortunately, I don't give up that easily and decided to answer my own questions on his behalf:

Anti-Snark: So you decided to make a story about zombies, in a world where zombie stories are already plenty damn plentiful. What was your reason?

S. Dave Shabat: I had been playing a lot of Dead Rising lately and zombies are just really cool. Especially the way they're like, weak alone but find their strength in numbers? That's definitely really awesome.

AS: Which character do you identify with the most?

DS: Definitely Liz. I think she and I are on the same intellectual wavelength and have the same interests, but we're also pretty different. For instance, she has a nicer rack. But soon I hope to fix that.

AS: I really like Lou. You're not gonna kill him off, are you?

DS: Well normally I wouldn't kill and tell, but I wasn't planning on killing him. Of course, now that I know he's your favorite, you can consider him dead by Halloween.

AS: What kind of formal training or experience do you have?

DS: I have a Cintiq tablet. In this industry, that's all anyone needs.

AS: Well, thank you for talking with me

DS: No problem, it was either this or going to my grandmother's funeral.

Dead Winter is another boring, cliche comic about zombies giving us the same old narrative with the same old characters. Generally, I prefer comics to give me something unique and generally whimsical, rather than being stale and familiar. Ultimately, we all know how Dead Winter will end, because we've all seen ____ of the Dead, or played Resident Evil, or read any comic about zombies. Essentially they're all the same. I know what killed Dead Winter, and it wasn't a zombie. It was old age. Read more→