1977: Like a TV Show, Except You Read It

Here We See the Cast of That 70's Comic. From Left to Right: Jackie, Eric, FES, Kelso and Donna. They're All High on Illegal Drugs

What's worse than ripping off a popular television series? Ripping off a popular television series, and then putting it in a webcomic format. Fortunately, I can safely say that today's topic does not violate one's sense of decency in all the basic, lackluster ways, but manages to do so in new, exciting ways. Actually I'm sure it hits on all the basics, I've just become insensitive to those kinds of transgressions, what with subjecting myself to them regularly. But I digress. Today's case study is a comic which goes by the less than descriptive name 1977, and as you may have surmised, takes place in the year 1977.

1977 follows the story of 4 twenty-somethings who smoke illegal marijuana and attempt to play in a band. Of course, I have to take their word that they're in a band, seeing as how they're never portrayed as actually playing in a band. The closest they get is performing activities that bands do, such as driving out to shows, try to find someone else to do the hard work for them, and sell illicit drugs. However no pages have actually shown the characters during or immediately after one of their alleged "shows." Effectively, when a story arc begins involving the musical aspect of the strip, suddenly the plot ends and we cut to a character shooting up LSD.

This would be forgivable if the generic plots were halfway decent. But if that were the case, then I wouldn't be writing this review. 1977 managed to last a whole three months before introducing a gimmick where the male lead suddenly genderswaps. I was hoping that when the plot resolved, this gimmick would be shelved eternally, but you and I are not so lucky. The spontaneous sex changes have been used repeatedly in lieu of jokes, when the cartoonist needs a way to introduce a plot point. The first clue should have been how the ridiculous story was ended with a tenuous reference to The Incredible Hulk. In fact, it seems that the majority of 1977's plot is fueled by nothing more than pop culture references. Don't get me wrong, the occasional reference is fine for the sake of making a gag, but for actually driving a story, it's like building a skyscraper on quicksand.

Pothead Musician Rule #6: Distract Your Audience From Your Terrible Playing by Wearing a Revealing Outfit

The perpetual regendering raises another issue with the comic, namely the fact that every character has the same hairstyle, and therefore, every character looks the same. Effectively, not only do all the girls in this comic look the same, but now you have the added confusion of a male character who also looks like all the females. Clearly the cartoonist hasn't considered the psychological implications of what would happen if the two male roommates, after a night of taking illegal drugs, woke up to find they had engaged in sex rituals with each other. I don't think anyone could look at their roommate the same way after that kind of traumatizing experience.

Artistic anomalies are not limited to the fact that everyone has the same hair; the eyes also lead to a disturbing conclusion. While female characters are given decently expressive eyes, male characters are given soulless, pupil-free eyes. This kind of disconnect between his depictions of the two genders indicates some degree of sexism inherent in the mind of the cartoonist. This is further evidenced by the fact that his sexswapping character exhibits the same differences between his male and female counterparts, which, aside from making it difficult to mentally connect both versions, seem to further indicate that the cartoonist sees a fundamental difference between the two genders.

Drug Use Has Been Shown to Decrease Comic Making Skills and Increase Levels of Smugness

Putting the cartoonist's latent sexism aside, we must now take issue with the uninspired setting of this comic. The 1970s were probably a great time if you were a shiftless layabout who did nothing but ingest illicit drugs and pretend that you could play guitar. But for anyone with half a brain, the 70s were just a time when life was annoying, inflation was out of control, and people had no taste. During the 70s, music was at its most banal, lacking style and substance, ignoring tradition and innovation, and our cartoonist feels it necessary to title each comic as a reference to some 70s song. It was cute at first, but as time wears on the relation between the chosen lyrics and the content of the comic becomes tenuous at best.

This extends to all the other pop culture references found in 1977. All sources of entertainment were incredibly vacuous, and it takes an extremely vapid, drug-addled mind to remember any of them fondly. To be honest, that is true of everything today and will be true for all of eternity, but that's another matter entirely. The point we're making today is that the 70s were an uninspired era, and any fond remembrance of them is clearly the work of illicit substances.

Nostalgia has never been a great premise for a comic strip. It's usually just a mask for poor writing, and often uses references in place of actual plot progression. This transgression is further amplified by choosing an absolutely absurd era to be nostalgic about, a time when the people driving culture were so focused on themselves, chasing that next high, rather than improving society in any meaningful way. So remember, when you're coming up with the idea for your next webcomic, avoid basing it on your own nostalgia, no matter how appealing television might make it seem. And remember to pass on the grass!
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Hijinks Ensue (In the Loosest Sense of the Term)

Terrible webcomics are fairly abundant on the Internet, but most are not worth my time to discuss here. Some are so commonly reviled that I believe ripping into them would just be redundant on my part, and others are so uninspired that it's obvious they won't last long enough to give me enough to really work with. It is truly rare to find a terrible webcomic with enough of an archive to give me something to work with, that hasn't already been picked clean by the other vitriolic webcomic reviewers around. I believe I have hit a veritable treasure trove, however, with Hijinks Ensue, a wretched hive of MacFaggotry, pop culture addiction, and one guy in the corner yelling "INFORMATION WANTS TO BE FREE!!" Well, maybe it does, but this is a particular set of "information" that we should keep locked in a hidden vault underground to forget about forever.

Artistically, Joel Watson is atrocious. H.E. looks like some sort of hideous amalgamation of the late Movie Comics and the abominable Shredded Moose (which I will probably save for another day). The artist clearly has no confidence in his own abilities, since he feels the need to draw young GENERIC FOX PRESIDENT with the goatee seen in earlier panels, so the reader knows who the kid is. Facial expressions are stiff and unvaried, while poses are robotic and jerky, giving the characters a sense of realism not seen since robots enslaved humanity. Because of the terrible art, this joke falls flat, since a casual reader wouldn't know the difference between this Eli character and the original, without close examination. The guy needs to study some anatomy, because no one's neck should stick out like this, nor should one's eyes be haphazardly bulging from one's head. Unfortunately, the art is not the worst part of this comic.

Putting the art aside, there is still plenty of terrible in this comic. The excessive addiction to television and movies is offputting, especially since there is rarely a joke about either that can be made funny by a webcomic. First of all, most of the shows enjoyed by nerds generally make fun of themselves by being so terrible. But when a nerd tries to defend these shows by appealing to some universal code of dorkery, it's not funny or amusing, just depressing. Second, if you can't stop watching a show because it has turned bad (or always been bad) then you deserve whatever misery you receive. Lastly, movie and television jokes often require that the reader has watched the movie or show in question, and if he hasn't, it is rarely funny. Also, you can't include spoilers in the joke in case people are intending to watch it, but haven't yet, so that cuts down on quite possibly a million potential jokes. Ultimately, a comic about movies or television shows is usually not worth it, considering that it often ends up being a very weak joke that few will get (or want). Because they are passive media, you can't make jokes about simple mechanics like videogames can do, and aren't broad enough to encompass a large portion of readers like current events tend to do.

But worse than the pop culture minutia, I feel, is the torrent of incorrigible MacFaggotry that permeates this webcomic like grease on a pizza. The worst thing about Apple products is the smugness that surrounds its consumer base so thickly that you could cut it with a dull knife. Apple fans have a tendency to treat Steve Jobs as the second coming of Jesus Christ, and every product he craps out as manna from on high. They admittedly acknowledge that they will buy anything Apple releases despite whether they really truly want them, especially when they know that a better model will be released a year or so later. Instead of waiting until the value fits the price, Jobsians will buy up everything and get angry about it later. And when a product with even remote similarity to an established Apple product is released, such as Microsoft's Zune, MacFags get extremely butthurt about people getting excited about an alternative choice to their beloved Apple, and call it such things as "inadequate," "second-rate" and "crappy."

And then there's a bizarre amount of hypocrisy. Berating Microsoft for their latest ad campaign where they show the diversity of PC users as being "off-target," while the Mac ads have become increasingly negative makes me wonder if people like Joel Watson can even compare something as transparent as an ad campaign, or if they simply follow the Apple party line. Harassing Wal*Mart for selling DRM protected music when the iTunes store is essentially nothing but DRM protected media is stupefying. Shifting blame to the manufacturer instead of the distributor with baseless accusations is the kind of selfish fanboyism I've come to expect from the MacFags out there. I could go for days giving examples of Apple fanboys attacking other companies for "reprehensible acts" while defending Apple for those exact same acts. Vista is too restrictive with respect to the consumer experience? Better defend Apple's restrictions regarding the consumer experience!

And what group of Applefans would they be if they didn't have a completely unnecessary podcast? I listened to one or two and all I can say is "ugh." It's basically an amalgamation of all the jokes they couldn't frame as a comic strip, as well as boring, detached-from-reality commentary, much like the ones that can be found under the comic strips. Who wants to listen to this terrible comic as a podcast after reading this terrible comic as a webcomic? Not me, that's for sure. And I'm surprised that a webcomic run entirely by MacFags has such poor site design. Framed with massive ads, the actual strip is always pushed over to the right, where, if you don't have your browser window full-screened, requires that the reader scroll over to read it. How irritating! There is an additional sidebar on the RIGHT side, under the comic, where Joel Watson begs for donations followed by another ad. Joel even considers this atrocious comic his full-time job, and wants to increase his income from it to self-sufficient levels. Hey, if you want to make a little more money, just add a few more ads! Separate each blog post with an ad, sell ads in your podcast, just make more of them!

If you want to turn comicking into a sufficient source of income, you should be prepared to churn out more than 3 comics a week. You're going to have to bust your ass to make a living in this world, half-assing a comic without decent art or subject material and hanging out with your friends in front of a microphone is not going to cut it. Streamline your frontpage so that it isn't absolutely burdened with thousands of links and ads. A minimalist site design would serve you well, especially considering your intended audience. As you are now, Hijinks Ensue, you are the most basic incarnation of "terrible." Oh, and what the hell is this? Simplifying a candidate like this is insulting not only to the candidate, but also your readers. Do you not think they're smart enough to make this kind of decision based on actual facts, instead of simply following whatever you say? Well maybe not, since they think your comic is worth reading. Forget I said anything.

Hijinks Ensue is a webcomic that I find to be very valuable, not because it has any redeeming qualities, but because it has none. A truly terrible webcomic like this usually does not have a substantial body of work for me to review, and when one does, it is often already well-known enough that I would essentially be beating a dead horse. This comic is basically the worst I have seen all year, and I appreciate it for giving me something to review. However, now that I have reviewed it, I kindly ask that these hijinks cease ensuing, because they are not at all amusing, just noisy and annoying.

Tuesday Addendum: Oh god I had spent so long working on this terrible webcomic that a few things I intended to mention failed to make it in, because by the time I finished the penultimate paragraph, I was already trying not to vomit all over my laptop.

The blog posts that accompany every comic page are so self-fellating, so auto-congratulatory, I wonder if Watson's head would explode if someone informed him that he is NOT the center of the Internet. They also end up inadvertently explaining the joke in case someone didn't get it (and wanted it in the first place). Lets face it, Joel, you're not that clever, so quit patting yourself on the back. Just stick to related topic links and pull your head out of the clouds. Oh wait I forgot that Mactards can't comprehend the concept of separating their ego from their writing. My bad.

One page in particular raised my ire, and it's something I have railed against before. Some webcartoonists don't grasp the concept of Services. You PAY people to do things so YOU don't have to. Even if it is something as menial as printing out your awful comic to glossy paper. If you don't like paying the service charge, then just roll up your sleeves, buy the supplies you need to do it yourself, and GET TO WORK. No one is forcing you to go down to Kinko's to print out a comic to sell to schmucks for an extra $10 in your pocket. It's not like you're even selling the original artwork. I guess all the idiots really do have too much money.

I apologize for missing these two atrocious aspects of this comic the first time through. I guess I'm going to have to start writing an outline down on paper beforehand to make sure that all my vitriol is fully expended the first time through. Read more→